Ross did really well with his behavior most of the time. There were a few days where he had some issues but for the most part, 2 meltdowns in one week was all we had to deal with. I know that sounds like a lot and I guess it is....but I guess I'm just used to this sort of thing.
This will be one hell of an entry. ;-)
ROSS - what can I say? He's Ross! Learning how Ross sees things is hard to do. Trying to learn how he thinks is even harder. For the past week, we've run into some things that the ABA ( applied behavior analysis) hasn't worked on. There are times when he's great and we're plugging along and then BAM! He decides he wants to buy lunch at school but we can't because his buy days are Thursday and Friday. There are a few reasons I don't let him buy every day. First, I can't afford to buy his lunch every day (because he also chooses to buy breakfast) and when he does buy his lunch, he has a habit of buying like 3 cheeseburgers and 3 chocolate milks and candy and at breakfast it's the same thing. He doesn't know when to stop eating and he thinks he has to eat everything as fast as he can, like it's going to run away or something. I realize the boy is 13 and he's a bottomless pit but he also needs to be aware of what he's eating and how much or else he'll wind up the size of the Taj Mahal! He has a set amount of money each week and I like for it to last and it also teaches him to watch his money. Well, at the last minute on Tuesday, he decided he wanted to buy his lunch. I told him it wasn't Thursday so he would have to wait. He had had such a great morning, too. He got up and got his breakfast, he got dressed, everything went beautifully with no arguing until that moment. Then all Hell broke loose. As he put it: "I WANT TO BUY MY LUNCH, DANGIT! THIS SUCKS! I HATE IT WHEN YOU NEVER LET ME HAVE WHAT I WANT! YOU NEVER LET ME BUY MY LUNCH AND THIS IS SOOOOOO STUPID. I WANT TO BUY MY LUNCH BUT NOOOOOOOOO, YOUUOOOO WON'T LET ME. THIS IS JUST GODDAMN STUPID. WHAT BULLSHIT". Yeah....that's basically how it went all the way to school. He did manage to quiet down in the car but he was still huffing and puffing about it and talking and mumbling under his breath. Here's the kicker - he had an excellent day at school; no making silly noises, no being disruptive, no acting silly, nothing. He was able to behave and concentrate on his work all day. I was really proud of him. It got me thinking that the new holistic meds he's on are finally working pretty well, or well enough for him to keep it together at school. Such a change from the previous Saturday when we went to the Stock Show.
Ah yes, the Stock Show - all the rides and food and drink and rides and exhibits and animals and FUN FUN FUN!! I love the Stock Show, I go every year and have since I was a little girl and the kids and I go every year, too. I don't usually have a problem with Ross but this year was different. Going in, we decided to do the rides first because we like to eat the food and you can't eat before hitting the rides or PUKE! So we rode the rides and everyone was happy and we got our food and everyone was happy and we got our picture taken with the two Bull People and I was really happy because not only did we get THIS ---> picture here, I now have something to put with this picture below:
Isn't it beautiful? I love these pictures. I wish Ross would smile like he used to when he was little. Now he gets bashful when he smiles, as you can see in the newer pic, LOL. Anyway, so we were all happy and full and going in to the exhibits hall as we always have and that's when Ross gets a little antsy. He doesn't want anything to do with the exhibits hall and is barging through people and talking loudly about how stupid everyone is for not moving out of the way, LOL. It's really not funny but I have to laugh now because it's so typical of autism. I decided to get them a snack and a drink so we went for french fries and that seemed to do the trick for just a few minutes. Then I realized I lost my hoodie!!!!!! NOT MY FAVORITE HOODIE!!!!! YES MY FAVORITE HOODIE!!!!! So I go back to the last three places and Ross isn't having any of it so he throws a fit. But, of course. I decided it's time to go - 3 hours was my limit. I lost my jacket and Ross is being a total ass! He didn't get any dippin' dots, damnit!! So we're going back to the car and Ross thinks we're going to ride another ride since I still have 4 tickets left. I had to tell him that his behavior is the cause for our leaving early and that he's ridden all of the rides he was allowed to ride. The limit was 5 each ( but I was going to give them one more ) and he knew that. To make a long story short, he had another meltdown as we left and all the way home he did his usual routine. I am learning that you can't reason with autism and no matter how I explain to him what he did and why it's wrong and blahblahblah, it's too many words for him to process. I've known this for a while, really, but sometimes when life is life, you forget how to process HIS processes. Does that make sense? Well, I'm tired so you'll figure it out on your own eventually ;-)
ME~~
I was so tired that evening after Stock Show. I got so tired and irritated that I said some pretty mean things to Ross that evening because I just couldn't listen to him anymore. I didn't want to see his face, hear his voice, anything. I had had enough and just wanted some quiet time. Hannah was spending the night at her friend's house and I was hoping I would get that quiet time. Hardly, not with Ross around. The one thing about autism is when they have that meltdown, they can be complete jerks, but when they're done, he doesn't understand why I'm so mad or why Mom's in a bad mood. I am really good about putting myself in time-out when I get too upset and I'm ready to start the beatings (yes, I'm exaggerating, lol) but that night, I was not putting myself in time-out and I was going to tell Ross just how I felt. I shouldn't have done that. He got upset with me and told me that I hurt his feelings real bad. I told him he hurts mine every day with his constant battling and cussing and crudeness - did I mention that today he asked me what would happen if he was born without testicles? LOL. I know that's not crude, it's just Ross and he's got a million of 'em. So, yes, I lost my temper and said hateful, hurtful things and made him cry. I hate myself when I let things get that out of hand and it's those moments right then when I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I'm not fishing for sympathy here, I'm just being real. Mom has her bad days. Mom needs to find ways to relieve the stress. Mom needs to watch what comes out of her mouth, just like Ross needs to watch what comes out of his.
I have been making such an effort to not react when he says certain things and Fran is always telling me what to do about it when it happens but what do you do when those things don't work and most of the time, it doesn't work. Fran made the comment that Ross is really smart about a lot of things so he's going to be tougher to work with (Grrrreat!) because he can figure out real quick how to push my buttons and to get the reaction he wants. My question is WHY does he want that kind of reaction from anyone?? I mean, it's not a good reaction. AT ALL! So far, I've done what has been asked of me. I have A) kept it short and sweet - you can't reason and you can't explain too much or they shut down. B)Asking him to tell me what needs to be done in the house to clean it instead of barking orders at him. C)Printing off the lunch menu and letting choose his 2 buy days. D) letting him know that in order to get the reward, he must follow the rule. Follow the rule - get reward. The meltdown is hardest to handle because there's a fine line when it turns from a tantrum to an autism blowout in which you just have to put him in his room and let him finish it on his own. I've gotten good at that part. LOL!
SOCIAL THINKING CLASS~~
Tonight was not a good night. It was a great day and he did really well until we got in the car to go to Social Thinking when he began the vulgar talk. In my defense, I do NOT walk around in front of my kids and cuss like a sailor all the time. I do say some bad words but I don't drop F bombs or other words like it. Just had to clear that up. But Ross lost his reward for TV because of his mouth. Cussing and calling me deaf is not a way to get on my good side.
I'm such an idiot, sometimes. This is why I feel like such a failure. Last week, I took Ross to social thinking and it was the wrong night. I got the schedule wrong. It's every OTHER week, dumbass! They let him stay anyway, which was nice of them, but there was no parent training so I just kinda stood around, lol. Met some other parents.......I was like why didn't Fran tell me every other week. She said every week, damnit! I KILLED myself getting here on time and they aren't fucking here?!?!? @$^&$r*($^&#wp(#&@# That's what I felt like. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. Not paying attention - not writing it down - not checking the web site. Tonight was our night to go and I was looking so forward to it. Traffic is horrible over there and I was 10 minutes late to class but we got there and it was good - at 640 - and I was ready to get into the parent training. 10 minutes into it, Fran says OK let's all go see the kids, they've worked hard. I realized at that moment, class was over. WTF? Turns out I wasn't 10 minutes late, I was 40 fucking minutes late. Class starts at 6pm! I thought it was at 630. No, dumbass, that's the time Lauren comes on Tuesdays!!! So I missed the class, Ross missed his class and to make matters worse, I let a bad word slip out. Not just any bad word, I said THE word. The queen mother of all dirty words. Yeeppppp. Right in front of a little boy in Ross's class. I had no idea anyone heard me and I really didn't know I had uttered that word - in a church, no less! Lord, have mercy, please. So this kid comes up to me and he hugs me and just holds me and asks if I'm ok and I said "aww, sweetie, of course I am!" and I looked at him and he was just bawling because I had said this horrible word and he told me that I said a really bad word, the worst one of all!! and he cried and cried on me. Oh, I felt horrible that I had made this sweet child so upset. He told me that the demons got a hold of me and made me say it and he was afraid that they were going to take my soul down to the "realm" for it. So we talked about it with Fran and then he was ok. I, on the other hand, felt like the worst, most ignorant person in the world. These children will humble you, that's for sure and they will always make you realize that all you can do is your best and sometimes your best sucks! Sigh.........I am so tired. I just feel like I can't get it together sometimes. This is one of those days.
So we will keep working. Next week, we go to the mall for some "public awareness" so to speak. That ought to be interesting.
ROSSISMS~~
We have some new Rossisms!
1) What would happen if I had been born without testicles?
2) (after I burped once) OMG, you are so nasty, I'm going to shoot myself right now
3) (Hannah's talking about belly button rings) Mom, I want to get a butt-ring!
4) Mr. Flip-Flop at school told me "because I SAID SO!"
There are more but I can't remember them right now. I'm trying to write them all down as he says them.
Any questions? Comments? By all means, leave them below. :-)
